semalam

Yesterday I increased my efforts in lowering my expectations, reduced my level of sorrowness (or more like self pity) and instilled this stuff in me they call "compromise".

I am not sure really if I felt any better. I still didnt feel loved .

Sometimes we can just tell ourselves to delay going through the painful process but inevitably one has to go through it. Its not a choice. I wish it was.

I wish I had a choice not to fall in love. I wish I had a choice not to miss someone dreadfully. I wish I had a choice not to get disappointed when the person I so miss so much is away most of the time.I wish my heart wouldnt hurt when he breaks his promises.

I really do because it hurts so bloody bad and it seems to take forever for the pain to pass.

Sometimes..i think i do not have a right to feel this way. Maybe normal people do not go through this because they are compromising, kind and sincere.

He told me he has through his experiences achieved these choices and for that I must envy him. It will hurt him him less too.

He also said he has tried in the past saving relationships by compromising and changing and it has never worked. My heart shattered to pieces and I cried like I have never cried before when he said that to me. He was sincere but in that sincerity there were also elements of wickedness and cruelty. Lack of empathy for the pain that I was going through. I prayed and asked God to please give me the strength to deal with him. I have been warned of this-premonition but as I have always been- I believe some people do change.

My Best Friend MIguel is here and he is either gonna make me happy or sadder.

sleepiness, feeling lethargic and lazy are common signs of depression.

i have all those symptoms right now. i was looking forward to this drive to Trengganu and the boat ride to Gem Island with Fairuz, Lucio and Megat tomorrow morning but right now i just feel like a fucking donkey with no drive or motivation.

i havent even taken a shower and its already 3.43pm. I cnt even remember brushing my teeth this morning. would it make a difference if i met the right man in my life?

SHATTERED DREAMS

Like Carrie Bradshaw once said "do we date the same men?"

Many of my friends including my sister thinks I do. They all think I need to have a brain scan because I keep Falling in Love with the same kind of men. One of my ex bosses accused me of being a Ball Gazer. He is of the opinion that I fall for dickheads and when you love their "dickheads" thats exactly what you will end up with- A DICKHEAD!

I celebrated my 41st birthday last year and I made some mental notes to change, to rebrand myself and look for qualities in men that I have failed in the past.

I wasnt looking for anyone, I had no one in mind when a friend of mine introduced me to this kinda of goodlooking guy. Within 2 minutes of introduction I was warned by my friend that he is a player, a womaniser, a serial cheater and 1 month later I dated him. My reason to all my friends was that he was just a void filler as I had just gone through a second divorce...I managed (i think) to convince them that I have matured and have learnt my lesson. I needed a companion who didnt have to be faithful to me because we were not in an exclusive relationship.

My void filler filled my void till today-10 months later. He has moved in with me. I am in love with me or so I thought. I always fall in love. I am such a hopeless romantic and he was like all the other men I dated suave.

He made me happy and contented. He was not a typical male chauvinist. He made me feel cared for, protected and safe. I slept well at night in his arms and I havent fell that way for quite a long time.

But good things hardly ever lasts. We became less intimate. We would still hold hands all the time, hug each other, kiss but he stopped being sexually intimate. Well not totally but very infrequent it made me feel undesired. We talked about it and he blamed it on work stress. I insisted he undergo a hormone profile blood test and the results came out normal. I did the stupidest thing and asked if he was sleeping with someone else and of course he said NO darling..there isnt anyone else in my life except you. I love you is what he says to me everyday.

When things were good and I was the happiest woman alive, I always wondered what would our first argument be ever about because I was just so happy and he was so nice, sincere and genuine to me.

The first argument turned out to be about sex followed by his frequent visits in Ipoh where he works. It was fine in the beginning. He would be gone for 3 days in a week and I would have him with me for the rest of the week.

Now things have changed tremendously, he would go away to Ipoh for 3 days and call me on the 3rd day to tell me he has to stay there for another day or two. It was still fine with me until recently he has been away more often then he is with me. no sex and less of him- i am a heartbroken person today. My heart is shattered once again.

We have talked, we have had our discussion, we wrote emails and sms..and we are still where we are. Shattered. Devastated. Frustrated. Brokenhearted and worse of all I feel like a failure once again.